im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Randomize
