Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
