Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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