I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
