Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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