hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
