she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
