you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
