Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
