I wish I only lived at night.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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