im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
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