my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
handjob tips. give me some.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
