We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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