The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
