had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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