That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
You smell like stripper and shame
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
