I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
