Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize