this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
