I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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