So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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