Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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