Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize