i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
