I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
And then he peed in my hair
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