It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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