I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize