I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize