My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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