i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
