I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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