the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
