Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
