some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
