its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
