8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
