not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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