i think my mom watched the whole time
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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