another moral hangover. fuck.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
