vagina is talking i cant
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
