The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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