Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Congratulations! We have a period
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