someone threw a dead crab at me
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
