I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
