Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
