My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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