u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize