my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
