There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
