I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
