i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
