I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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