WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
