Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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