yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
