Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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