I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
