It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
