Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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