Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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