My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You ruined the universe
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
