I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
